


The week after...

by Pitt1982



Category: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden - Fandom, Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-04-07 22:21:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14090946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pitt1982/pseuds/Pitt1982





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been a week since Robert “officially” came home and Aaron hasn’t slept. Not out of fear of the decision he made that night in the garage but out of pure happiness. To have his love back home, back in their bed is all Aaron has wished for these past months. He is no longer afraid of what he feels…afraid to let Robert in.

As Robert sleeps, Aaron walks over to the dresser and opens the bottom drawer. For months he had been keeping their wedding picture, unable or unwilling to rid himself of it. Now, as he looks at it, he remembers the moment he fell in love with Robert Sugden, a moment that nearly passed by. Thinking back on that moment now fills Aaron with the same emotions he felt then, as he felt Robert’s arms around him, carrying him to safety. Hearing the panic in Robert’s voice asking him “What have you done”…in that moment he knew what love was. In the subsequent days as Aaron shut the world out, he could not shut out Robert. The safety he felt in his arms…the protection of his embrace as he lifted him into the chair in the hospital, never had Aaron felt that safe. As Aaron remembered that day so vividly he felt his emotions get the best of him.

He put the picture back and turned towards the bathroom to get something to dry his eyes when he felt something holding him. He turned to see Robert, those eyes looking directly into his heart, as no one else’s eyes have ever been able to do. “I’m sorry for waking you” Aaron said in a tone almost lost to Robert’s ears. “You didn’t…I’ve been watching you for a bit”, Robert told him in a tone Aaron came to understand he only ever used for him. Without needing to ask, Robert understood Aaron’s tears…it was an intuition he had never felt with anyone else. Without need for words, Aaron moved towards Robert wanting, needing to feel safe again. As he laid in Robert’s arms, words he never forgot ran through his mind “You’re not on your own…not any more”. For the first time in a week, Aaron fell asleep…

As he slept, Aaron felt movement on his arm. Unsure of who or what was the cause he managed to peek only to see Robert stroking his arm. Fighting his instinct to react he laid in their embrace watching Robert’s hand as it bristled over the scars Aaron had tried so desperately to hide. Reflecting on Robert’s horror in the hospital when the nurse revealed his chest made Aaron feel ashamed. Not for the scars themselves but for denying the truth he knew back then. That Robert wanted to protect him…love him as he never loved anyone. As the memories of that horrific moment came back to Aaron he couldn’t help but wonder why Robert stayed…was that love he wondered? Fighting back the tears welling in his eyes he tried to muffle his emotions but knew it would be pointless…”Aaron, look at me”. He turned to see those eyes...in that moment he knew Robert’s intuition had taken hold. “Why”…Aaron asked. “What do you mean why”?...Robert asked confused and anxious. “Why did you stay? I didn’t deserve you then…I’m not sure I deserve you now”. If it were anyone else, Robert would have allowed his anger to overtake him. As if the ability to think had momentarily retreated, Robert took a deep breath and responded in that tone “Where would I have gone? You’re everything…you always have been”. As Aaron peered into the eyes of the man he loved, he noticed something he had never seen before…tears. Robert was always careful as he reckoned but he needed to be the strong one, or so he thought. As he stared into those eyes, a tear began to fall and for the first time Aaron understood just how much Robert was willing to sacrifice to protect him…to keep him safe. 

As morning came, Aaron woke wondering if the last week had been nothing but his overactive imagination, hoping for something he feared he had lost. It took nothing more than to look down and see the rings intertwined with his and Robert’s fingers to put that feeling to rest. Laying in bed with the man he loved was all Aaron ever wanted, though admittedly never imagining it would be Robert. Much as he wanted to remain in Robert’s protective embrace, Aaron slipped out of bed and headed downstairs. Standing in front of the windows, looking out at the morning mist a thought struck Aaron from seemingly out of nowhere….”Am I worthy of love…of someone risking it all to save me”? Aaron had rarely allowed himself to entertain such thoughts since he and Robert reunited but this time the thought felt different…he felt different. As he stood looking out the window, he understood what was different…it wasn’t the question, it was him. Never before had he so openly and fearlessly spoke of loving someone the way he did about Robert. Now as he thought about the man he loved sleeping upstairs, Aaron could not stop his emotions from erupting to the surface. The tears were not of sadness or pain…but for the first time, happiness and contentment…little did Aaron know in that moment he wasn’t experiencing it alone.

Robert awoke to find Aaron not in his arms, where he had been the night before. Fearing that Aaron regretted the decision he made a week ago, a sudden panic came over Robert. As he resolved to find Aaron and why he had disappeared he began listening for anyone in their home. He didn’t have to listen long to recognize Aaron…not wanting to make the situation worse (or so he thought) Robert stopped at the top of the stairs and listened, hoping his worst fears were not coming true…that this was all a mistake. Listening to the man he loved, Robert quickly realized that Aaron had finally allowed himself to feel…to love…to be loved. Robert always had an intuition about Aaron and this moment was no different…realizing that his love was finally grieving for a life not yet fully lived broke Robert’s heart. In that moment, he could not get to Aaron fast enough…

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Aaron felt a presence watching him. Normally, Aaron’s instinct would have caused him to panic…not now. He turned to see Robert watching him from the bottom of the staircase. As if on instinct Aaron collapsed into Robert’s arms, letting the emotion of the moment finally break him. As Robert stood embracing his love, he heard himself utter two words he vowed never to have a need to say again, “I’m sorry”. Before Robert had realized the words escaping his lips, Aaron looked up “What have you got to be sorry for”? In that moment, Robert could not stop himself from regretting every decision that had brought them to the brink…”For everything…all of it. I never meant for any of this to happen. You are so good and I ruined it all”. Though they had committed themselves to one another at Victoria’s and agreed to face whatever was coming together, Robert’s guilt could not or would not let go. Still fearing that Aaron might retreat from him…from their commitment he braced himself for the response. “You didn’t ruin anything…I didn’t blame you for any of this”. As Robert listened, he couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. “We were both damaged…hurting & afraid to let one another in…As much as I wanted to hate you, much as I convinced myself I didn’t care any more, I couldn’t deny myself”…”You saved me…you protected me…”. As Aaron spoke, the tears now trailing down Robert’s cheek, he understood just how vulnerable he had been and how vulnerable he still was. 

Since their reunion a week prior, Robert hadn’t been completely honest with Aaron. Never one to allow his vulnerability to be seen, he’d been battling his head and his heart. The moment at the bottom of the staircase had caught him off guard, as quickly as the tears fell…they quickly stopped. Robert had always been Aaron’s protector…unwilling to let the man he loved be in pain. During their time apart, he often wondered if Aaron would ever allow him to protect his heart again…now a week later, he knew the answer. The thought of appearing vulnerable to anyone, especially Aaron was something he vowed to never allow. As he headed upstairs he was hit with everything he had been feeling since that night in the garage. Holding steady to the vow he made to himself, he did his best to keep everything inside, to keep Aaron protected…no matter the price.

Robert headed to the dresser to looking for something…not sure why. Since their reunion, he would often look over at it while Aaron slept. Unable to explain or understand what he was supposed to find. Opening and closing each drawer, he began wondering if his head was playing a cruel game. He was unprepared for what awaited him as he opened the bottom drawer, “Was this what I was supposed to find” he wondered. Robert had often thought of their wedding picture…the happiness in Aaron’s eyes the day they said “I do”. Every night when Aaron was locked away, Robert would look at that picture and be reminded of the man coming home to him. As he sat on the edge of the bed, picture in hand he felt tears beginning to fall…again. This time, unable to stop them, he finally allowed himself to feel everything he had tried so hard to hide. Hearing Aaron shuffling around downstairs, he tried to dry his eyes quickly knowing that Aaron would be coming up soon. Before he could wipe them away, he felt someone behind him…an intuition he only had with one person. Seeing the open drawer, Aaron momentarily panicked thinking Robert would be angry that he kept the picture hidden away. “I couldn’t…everything about that day was everything I’ve ever wanted. Every time I look at that picture I know why I married you”, Aaron said, his voice trembling. Robert, still looking at the picture, unable to face Aaron with the tears streaming down his cheeks couldn’t speak. Leaning across the bed, Aaron grabbed Robert’s hand with a gentleness that he seemed only to have with him. Without words needing spoken, he embraced Robert…for the first time in a week, Robert grieved for everything he felt and couldn’t say.

Robert scared Aaron…he had never seen his love so vulnerable…so broken. As he embraced Robert, feeling every tremble, he finally understood what he had sacrificed. Just as Aaron had done, he pushed those away he needed most when he was hurting. Yet with Aaron something was different…something about looking into his eyes changed Robert. It was a feeling he noticed the first time he saw Aaron…the first time he embraced him. Never before had Robert allowed anyone in…to get to know the real him, the person who was vulnerable…never worthy of love. Embraced in the arms of the man he loved, Robert finally felt protected…the way Aaron had always felt in his embrace. Unwilling to let go of Aaron’s embrace…listening to his heart, he felt what he had always wanted and never knew…he felt home.

Later that day, feeling pulled to somewhere but not sure exactly, Robert gathered himself together and headed out as Aaron had left to run some errands for their home. As Robert situated himself in the car, he had a feeling he was meant to be…meant to go somewhere. Still not sure of what he was feeling he headed off. Driving past open fields and forests he sensed he had been here before. Pulling off the road, he got out of the car and looked around baffled by the feeling that was now pulling at him as strong as anything he had ever felt. Beginning to walk towards the trees it suddenly hit him...”This is the spot...this is where the moment should have happened”. As he looked around, he felt an uneasiness, only having felt it previously when Aaron begged him to save himself. For a reason Robert could not explain his driving had brought him to the place where he had found his “perfect moment”. As he sat on the very spot where Aaron had spoken the words he waited so long to hear “I love you…I mean it…I never stopped” Robert felt angry. An anger not at Aaron but a moment that was everything he had ever wanted it to be, but a moment that was not meant to. He had never forgiven himself for leaving the ring in the car…though he had never told Aaron, he blamed himself for the crash that nearly took his life. “If I had proposed at that moment…we never would have been arguing in the car. He would have concentrated on the road instead of me”…Robert had never forgiven himself.

In the months after they had split, unbeknownst to Robert, Aaron had often come to these woods…to grieve…to cry…to mourn. Not once had Aaron blamed him for the crash that nearly took his life, if anything he had blamed himself. He would come to this spot, drawn by a need or a want to feel what he felt then and sit…remembering what it was like in that moment. To look into the eyes of the only man he has ever loved…to know that he would be willing to do anything for him. Aaron had come to these woods after Valentine’s Day…to make sense of what had happened that night. There was no regret in his heart for wanting to kiss Robert…seeing him so vulnerable that night reminded Aaron of the man he fell in love with.


	2. Guilt...

Realizing Aaron must be wondering where he was…if he was okay, Robert gathered himself. As Robert stood, he was greeted by a sight that knocked him back. “Why didn’t you tell me…I thought we agreed to never keep secrets again”. Stunned to see Aaron standing in front of him, Robert could only muffle “How did you…”? Breathless as looked into those eyes, Robert couldn’t help but feel that he had betrayed Aaron, he had done the very thing he had feared since he came home. “Aaron, I…I can’t explain it. I ended up here…I can’t explain why”. Instinct had drawn Robert…to cry, to grieve…he couldn’t answer. With Aaron beside him now, bracing himself for what he feared…closing his eyes attempting to keep the welled up tears from falling, he felt Aaron take his hand. “You’re not alone in coming here”…”I’ve been for months”. With the words leaving Aaron’s lips, Robert decided he could hide no longer…

“There is so much I need to tell you…so much I’ve been afraid to tell you”. There…at that moment Aaron saw a vulnerability in Robert he had never witnessed. “I…I’ve never forgiven myself. What I caused…What it almost cost me…us”. Fighting the tears that had begun streaming down his cheek “There’s not a morning I wake up and don’t blame myself…for everything”. Never having seen Robert in such a state of pain scared Aaron...for he never realized how much he had been hiding. “I don’t…I didn’t…I could never”…struggling to find words in that moment, it was all Aaron could muster. To ease his pain…the burden he felt was all Aaron could think of in that moment. As he pulled Robert to him, he saw something which shook him to his core…something he had never hoped to witness. In that moment, words echoed in him “What have you done”…”It’ll be okay”. Slowly adjusting Robert’s arm, Aaron came face to face with what he feared…the marks he’d spent a lifetime struggling to conquer…

Pulling away from Aaron, Robert turned…hoping to avoid what he inevitably assumed was to come. “Robert please…don’t do this. Don’t shut me out…let me help”. For months, Robert had struggled after the dissolution of their relationship, existing but not living…he had become numb. Often he thought of Aaron and how close he came to losing him…the pain at times more than he could bear. Ashamed…angry…guilty…Robert could not look up at Aaron fearing the disappointment and horror he would see. Struggling to feel something…anything, the pain was a release, a punishment for everything he blamed himself for. As Aaron ran his fingers over the scars, Robert retreated…pulling his arm away. “Why…why did you hide this from me”? Robert…tell me…PLEASE”. “I…I needed to feel something…anything”, Robert’s voice trembling as the words barely escaped his lips. In that moment, Aaron understood what drew him to Robert all those years ago. Despite everything he thought, they were more alike than either of them had ever dared admit. “I…I deserve to be in pain. Everything I put you through…us through, it only seemed fair…seemed proper”, Robert’s voice cracking with every word he struggled to speak. “Deserve…no one deserves this Robert…PLEASE let me in”, Aaron’s voice trembling with each word.

In that moment, Robert witnessed a fear in Aaron’s eyes…a fear he recognized. All the months of self-hatred brought him to the act he committed. Robert remembered the night it happened…every minute still vividly etched in his mind. The candles on the table…the rain hitting the window…the guilt he felt. He could still feel the heat on his arm…the pain of contact…then something he hadn’t anticipated...PEACE. “This is what I deserve…what Aaron should want for me”, Robert remembering his first and only thought that night. Much of what happened that night he could not remember, unable or unwilling to confront. Pulling his arm away from the flame, the sense of peace diminished, replaced yet by guilt and pain. As the candles exhausted their flames that night, Robert looked down at his arm…burned and bruised. As he gingerly covered his arm with his blanket that night, he made a vow…one he swore to keep. “Aaron never deserved this…never deserved me. I’ll never hurt him again”. Staring into the flames, he knew what he would do if he ever broke that vow. 

“Was it just the once”? Aaron wondered. “I…I want to say yes…but…”, Robert’s voice fully breaking. Wanting to ask but afraid of what would be said, Aaron followed Robert’s eyes as they turned down towards his abdomen. With a sense of déjà vu, back to THEIR home when Robert confronted him, Aaron was beset by feelings he had struggled to overcome. Gingerly raising his shirt, he was met by a sight he feared…a vision so familiar it struck Aaron at his core. “How…how long have you…” was all he could muster in the moment. Robert’s abdomen was scarred…the feelings of guilt and pain having been too much to bear over the months they parted. Horrified by what was before him, Aaron began to gingerly lower Robert’s shirt when a slight groan greeted his ears. “I’m sorry…I promise I’ll be gentle”. As Aaron took the fabric in his hands gently continuing to lower the shirt, he saw a mark on Robert’s right side…“What…what is that”, Aaron asked. “It’s nothing…I fell the other morning. I guess I hurt myself worse than I thought”. Normally, this would have ended it, but something in Aaron told him this wasn’t so. “Let me have a look…” Aaron asked. “Aaron…I’m…I’m fine. I promise”. Much as he wanted to believe Robert but never one to refuse his intuition, Aaron lifted the shirt back slightly and was greeted by a sight, which with everything he had witnessed this day, left him with a feeling of dread. Before Aaron was a mark that looked different…looked fresh…

“How old is that”? Aaron asked with a slight fury. “Aaron, I told you…it’s nothing. I fell”, though Robert heard the words escape his lips, he knew it was futile. The first night back home, Robert was overcome with the pain he had fought against for months. Maybe it was being next to Aaron again, their bodies intertwined with one another…maybe it was guilt over what he had almost cost them…Robert wouldn’t know. Slipping out of bed, he headed downstairs, hoping to quiet his mind…quiet the pain. Looking around the darkened first floor, he saw on the counter what would bring him that peace. Feeling the heat against his skin was the only thing that could quite his mind…the punishment he deserved. Since Robert came home he had repeated this more than once…waiting until Aaron had fallen asleep as not to arouse his intuition. Jolted by a feeling of Aaron’s cool hand against his skin brought Robert back to now…back to what he could no longer pretend. “In OUR home…Robert, in OUR home…”, Aaron repeated with the fury now more than slight. “A…Aaron, it’s what I deserve…I love you more than anything. What I cost us…that can’t be forgiven”, Robert’s tremble now visible. Heartbroken, yet angry that Robert would keep this from him…Aaron understood the tables had turned…


	3. Fear and Loss...

Heartbroken…yet angry, Aaron decided Robert would not face this alone…not anymore. Having made their way from THEIR spot back to the road, they agreed to head directly home. Aaron had not asked this of Robert, the tone made it clear this was not a question…but a request. “Home…home…home” Robert repeated to himself as he headed down the road, Aaron following behind. Aaron’s anger had not caught Robert by surprise…he understood. Pulling up to their HOME, Robert suddenly felt himself uneasy…unsure. “What if Aaron can’t handle this…handle me” Robert quietly wondered. “Would this all be too much…too familiar”. Walking through the front door Robert again felt uneasy…unsure. “I…I think I’m going to go upstairs and lie down...”. As he headed up to bed he felt Aaron’s eyes following every step…every pause…every breath. Unsure of what to do…how to help, Aaron began pacing…then he heard something, which stopped him cold. 

Frantically leaping over the steps he panicked. “Where…where is he…” his panicked thoughts reflected in his heartbeat. Looking around the bedroom he saw no Robert…then he heard it. The water reflecting off the shower wall…but something else, something he could not identify. Moving towards the bathroom he heard it again…guttural…a cry from somewhere within he had never heard. Pushing himself through the door he found Robert…on the floor…something silver outstretched in his hand. It took only a minute for Aaron to realize what had happened…”No…not again…don’t leave me. Robert…PLEASE”, each word echoing with an intensity…unrecognizable. Then he saw it…on the right side….this time looking fresher than the one before. Frantically wrapping himself around Robert, he feared the worst…feared he was too late…then he felt it. A breath…a second…a third, “I’m not too late…don’t ever leave me…”, Aaron’s mind racing with the thought. As he lifted Robert up…slowly…gingerly moving him to the bed he remembered Robert’s words “You’re not on your own…not any more”…

Aaron wouldn’t sleep…feeling Robert next to him, in their bed…in their home was everything those months apart made him long for. Unable or unwilling to quiet his mind…his eyes focused on Robert “I…I can’t lose him…not again”, the thought echoing in his mind. As he took in Robert’s body next to him, he couldn’t help but be drawn to what had so frightened him in the woods…and now. “This has to stop…NOW...will do whatever I have to…not alone…not anymore”. As the words echoed throughout his head, Aaron found his hand moving towards Robert’s skin. He needed to feel it…needed to know it was real. Tenderly moving his fingers over the skin…red…burned…blistered, Aaron couldn’t help but see himself. The heat…the peace…it all echoed within. Laying his head down next to Robert, taking in his scent…the feel of his body, Aaron watched…every breath…every twitch, fearing if he closed his eyes Robert would be gone…

Watching Robert’s chest rise and fall, the realization hit Aaron that his heart was beating in its rhythm. Wanting…maybe needing, Aaron moved closer to Robert, something drawing him closer in than he had dared to go. Laying his head on Robert’s chest…his heart, Aaron listened. There hadn’t been a moment’s peace Aaron felt since they arrived home. His mind racing with every thought, every feeling he hoped never to confront again…only this time he wasn’t the one in danger…in pain. Listening to Robert’s heart, a feeling overtook Aaron…there was something familiar…a sense of déjà vu. “I…I was out of it. All sorts remember. How could I remember”? the thought repeating unable to turn it off. The last time Aaron listened to Robert’s heart…the peace it brought was in the emergency room, those years ago. The panic in Robert’s voice still chilling him to his core…yet, something about his heart…its beat…its tone had brought a calming presence to him in that moment when all seemed lost. Being with Robert now, their hearts in one beat…one rhythm the peace he felt those years ago returned. Needing…wanting to hold on to Robert, Aaron took his hand, their fingers intertwining as he thought to himself again “You’re not on your own…not any more”…

Rolling over…feeling the sun’s warmth Aaron awoke with a panic, “Where…Robert…No…not again”…the thoughts crushing onto Aaron like a wave he could not get his head above. Then he heard it, the sound that stole his breath away “Not again…NO…NO…NO”…rushing to the door of the bathroom, he pressed against it, listening…hoping. Afraid of what he would find, Aaron pushed through the door and was greeted by a sight he had longed for. There was Robert…awake…content… “I didn’t want to wake you…I couldn’t bear to”…the break in his voice bringing tears to Aaron’s eyes. “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you”. “Just…promise me, you’ll let me help. I love you so much. I can’t lose you Robert…I couldn’t live”, Aaron’s voice breaking as hard as Robert’s had. His voice trembling as he spoke, Aaron hadn’t noticed Robert took his hand…holding more firm than he ever remembered.


	4. Lost…But Found

“I…I’ve been thinking…what if we stayed in today”? Aaron asked in a tone reminiscent of Robert’s softness. “Yeah…I think so”…his reply telling Aaron there was more. Struggling still to speak his heart, Robert replied softly “There…there is so much I need to tell you. Much I need to explain”, as the words left his lips, his grip on Aarons hand tightened. “You don’t have to explain…anything. I love you…I mean it…” the words echoing in Robert. Despite the past hours….days…weeks…months, Robert needed to talk…needed to explain to the one person who could not see his life without. Painful though this would be…he owed it to Aaron…to THEIR life…to the family they created. “I…I need to explain…ask forgiveness for what I’ve caused”, tears welling in his eyes told Aaron he needed this release and Aaron couldn’t…wouldn’t…let him travel this road alone…

Staring into his eyes…eyes he could not escape, Robert mustered what voice he could, “I…I owe you everything. You owe me nothing…you don’t have to stay”. Were it anyone else, Aaron would have given up but he couldn’t…he wouldn’t. “I love you. I mean it…you’re amazing”, words he hoped would ease Robert’s burden…his pain. As the words echoed through him, he felt it…one…two…three. Hoping to stop their fall…hoping to wake up, Robert felt warmth embrace his cheeks. An embrace letting him know he wasn’t alone…wiping away each tear…for the guilt…the pain…everything he’d been afraid to speak. “Robert…tell me…please…let me help”, Aaron’s love having never been denied, would not be denied now…Robert knew it couldn’t. “I…I’m broken, Aaron…I feel numb”, the words barely escaping his trembling chin. “You’re so good…I…I can’t forgive myself, everything I’ve caused. Everything I’ve done to you…to us. I deserve everything I’ve gotten”. Aaron wanted to stop him…embrace him…protect him from this pain, whatever was responsible, but he couldn’t. They were in this together…

“I…I can’t do this anymore”, Robert’s face turning red as the frustration mounted within. “Do what? Robert…tell me…PLEASE”, the frustration in Aaron matching the red intensity growing in Robert. As if a damn had burst, it poured out of Robert in a manner which knocked Aaron back. “I…I can’t hide anymore. From myself…from you…I feel like I’m drowning”, the words escaping in a torrent unlike anything Aaron had ever heard. He had never spoken of this to anyone…an experience which he had hoped to never revisit…never speak of. Unbeknownst to Aaron, the pain and guilt, which had been consuming Robert over these weeks had a connection to the most painful part of HIS past. Summoning what effort he could, Robert spoke of that which he had avoided, “He…he did it too. I…I am just as broken as you were”. Unsure or unable to process what had just been spoken, Aaron mustered what he could, “Wh…what do you mean as I was? You…you mean when…”, hitting him like the first wave of a tsunami, Aaron was left reeling. 

The color having drained from his face, Aaron couldn’t…wouldn’t believe what escaped Robert’s lips. NEVER had it entered his mind why Robert was so protective…so angry…so determined for him to conquer his past. “Was it Robert’s past…why didn’t I figure it out then”, the thought reeling through Aaron’s mind…over and over. “Wh..why didn’t you tell me…I…I could have helped”, the guilt in Aaron’s voice a burden Robert never wished him to bear. Mustering what he could…his voice breaking…his chin trembling, “I…I couldn’t bear to see you in so much pain…I didn’t matter…only you Aaron…only you”. Gathering what strength he could to speak, “I…I would have done anything to ease your burden…my past…my pain…none of it mattered in that moment. I…I felt helpless to protect you. I would have done anything”. As the last words fell from Robert’s lips…he collapsed. It had all become too much…

Watching Robert’s chest rise and fall with each breath, Aaron allowed himself to feel everything…anything. Fearing if he closed his eyes, he would wake up to an empty bed…an empty house, Aaron could not…would not allow himself to sleep. Laying next to Robert, in THEIR bed was all he wanted…to love and to be loved. What happened had scared…frightened Aaron. As he reflected on the past hours, he found himself speaking, to whom he didn’t know, maybe himself…maybe Robert, “I love you, I mean it. I never stopped. Will you come home with me Robert and let me help you this time”. As he heard the words escape his lips, a thought came across, “Help…how…what could I do”? Having fought over the last hours…last days had taken its toll on Aaron. But he was determined to be there for Robert, however…whenever…whatever he needed. Fighting a losing battle as he watched the man he loved, Aaron allowed himself a moment’s peace…laying his head on Robert’s chest…falling asleep to the heartbeat that had become his own. 

Moving across their bedroom…the sunlight illuminating Aaron as he laid on Robert’s chest...listening…breathing as one. The previous night had hit Aaron harder than anything he could have anticipated. To see the man he loved in pain…a pain he knew only to well and hoped to NEVER feel again, a determination began brewing. Broken was often how he had viewed himself…not worthy…of happiness…of love...of Robert. Witnessing the reflection in Robert had broken Aaron’s heart and sharpened his resolve to help him through this…somehow…someway. As Robert’s heartbeat became one with his own, a thought came to him, “this HAS to end…for me…for Robert”. Though he rarely allowed himself the thoughts, had it not been for Robert, he often wondered where he would be now, “Would I be alive”? Aaron had to do something…not just for Robert but for himself. 

Not wanting to wake him up, Aaron gently lifted his head from Robert’s bare chest…still rising and falling in rhythm with his own. Making his way towards the bathroom, the image from the other night momentarily stopped him in his tracks. But nothing would stop him…not now…not ever. Robert needed him and the would get through this together…with Aaron by his side…protective…supportive…strong. Whether it was the running water or the sunlight gliding across his eyes, Robert woke and momentarily panicked, “Where is he…did I dream it? He should be here…with me”. Feeling momentarily lost, he wondered if it had all been too much, if the realization had forced Aaron to run…to flee. “Aaron…Aaron…”, the panic growing louder with each call. Just as Robert began to feel that all had been lost, a familiar feeling came over him…a presence that had brought him peace for the first time in years, then he felt it. That touch…that embrace, letting him know he wasn’t alone…not any more. “I ran to grab a shower…quickly. I didn’t want to wake you”, the calm in Aaron’s voice telling Robert that everything was okay. “I was thinking…in there. What you told me…what you went through, I have somewhere we need to go”. Normally, Robert would have resisted…would have insisted Aaron tell him where and why…now he trusted him…his heart…


	5. The End...And a Beginning

Driving through the fields…the forests…a feeling of familiarity overcame Robert. Though he recognized nothing, something was tugging at his heart…a pace that quickened with each passing moment. “Will you tell me...”, the words laced with fear and anger. Much as he trusted Aaron…trusted that he would never lie…never mislead, he felt a growing sense of uneasiness. Every moment since the words fell from his lips back at THEIR home, Robert felt regret and relief. Never had he intended to tell anyone, much less Aaron about his past. HIS past didn’t matter…HIS pain was not important. Only one thing mattered…HIS Aaron, HIS family. Sensing the uneasiness settling upon Robert, Aaron acted on instinct as he had so often before…reaching out gripping his hand in an embrace, protective and loving. “I love you…I would never ask anything of you I would not ask of myself”, Aaron said taking Robert’s hand in his. Knowing what he was about to ask Robert to face, Aaron needed to hold on more than he would ever know. 

Driving along the dusty road, Aaron pulled off to the side. Adjusting his eyes to the scene around them, Robert felt a surge of anger…the likes of which he had not felt since he was younger. “Aaron…I CAN’T be here. I DON’T want to be here”. Though he prepared himself for this moment…the anger he knew he would face, Aaron momentarily panicked. “Robert…we can leave…but I WON’T be the one to drive away”, the calmness in his voice startling Robert. He knew coming here would be one of the biggest moments of their lives…one that would or could break them. “I LOVE YOU…don’t you get that? I won’t let you hide from this anymore. You NEED to do this…not for me but for YOU”! Never had he heard Aaron with such conviction. Feeling as if the car was swallowing him whole, Robert exited and began to walk down the road they had come. “Robert! Robert…don’t walk away from me…from us. You didn’t let me and I WON’T LET YOU”. The determination in Aaron’s voice stopped Robert dead in his tracks. “Aaron..I…I can’t. I avoided this place…everything it makes me feel. Don’t you get that”? The anger in his voice having turned into pain…the pain Aaron now hoped to help him through…as he promised. “How can you ask me that? I LOVE YOU! I brought you here…US HERE to face this together”. As the words fell from Aaron’s lips, Robert felt his legs moving…not in the direction of the road but towards Aaron. Drawing closer to him, reaching out for his hand…for that embrace that told him everything would be alright Robert understood. 

Hand in hand, Robert walked with Aaron…down the path…his memories rushing to him in a wave he could not control. Robert had avoided this place, vowing never to return…the memories too painful…to raw. As the path opened to a clearing, he saw it, for the first time since he was a child. “Are you ready? Remember…you and me…together” Aaron’s voice bringing what comfort he hoped it could. “I…I don’t know. I never intended to see him again. To face him…even like this”, Robert’s voice trembling as he looked upon the ground. “You deserve peace…closure. I won’t let him hurt you anymore…the way you protected me…from him”, the tone Robert knew well…it was his, only for him. Looking upon the ground he had not set foot on since he was a child, Robert felt his emotions surging…anger...fear…pain. He wanted to run…from this place…from Aaron but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t. Robert needed to be here…THEY needed to be here. “I HATE YOU! I WAS A CHILD!”, as if a dam had burst, Robert shouted…screamed. “HOW COULD YOU? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME…AS A DAD SHOULD!” Never had Aaron seen him this angry…this hurt…the pain so palpable he felt everything Robert did. It was as if he was seeing himself in the man he loved. “I WAS INNOCENT! I HATE YOU!”…as if he had nothing left to give…to breathe, Robert collapsed into Aaron’s chest. It was over…it was done….

As the sun poked through the blinds, Aaron looked down at Robert…tucked into him, as if trying to find comfort in his body…his embrace. Aaron expected the moment to be emotional…painful…even brutal, but NEVER did the thought occur to him just how brutal, how painful it would be. The anger which emanated from Robert in that moment frightened him…the collapse only more. “Home…our home”, the thought replaying Aaron’s head as he drove down the road, heading back to the one place…the ONLY place it seemed they both felt safe…protected. Unable or unwilling to open his eyes, Robert seemed to be at peace…FINALLY. As the car turned onto the driveway, the gravel beneath sounding like the path they had taken earlier, Aaron couldn’t help but smile. Though this place…their home was not everything he had wanted, had hoped it would be…it was THEIRS. Guiding Robert in, he intended to take him upstairs, to sleep…to cry…he didn’t know, but in the moment nothing else mattered…only Robert…ONLY ROBERT. They made it as far in as the couch as it seemed Robert’s legs could go no further…or maybe they stopped him for a reason, it didn’t matter. As they settled into the couch…Robert into Aaron’s body the world seemed a distant thought…a shadow that could not breach their embrace. “It’s finished…for Robert…for me, it’s over. We are free”. As the thought circled in his head, Aaron looked up towards their bedroom. “I wonder…I wonder if it’s still there”, a soft smile crossing his lips as he pondered what the future would bring.

Wishing not to wake Robert, Aaron gingerly slipped out from under the spot he had nestled into as they laid on the couch. The soft smile that crossed his lips earlier had returned as he quietly made his way up to their bedroom. “I wonder…would it still be there? Is it still there?” the thought again repeating…echoing. He had placed it somewhere it would be safe, away from everyone…even Robert. Never having intended to hold on to it, something in him kept it close…very close. Moving from the stairs across the wood floor Aaron looked down at Robert, quite and content. The day had taken so much out of them…now all he wanted to do was to be with Robert…today…tomorrow…every day from now on. Together as one. Aaron had placed it somewhere only he knew…somewhere that meant as much to him as Robert had always. As he made his way over to the closet, his hiding place a surge of emotion came rushing to him. He had not seen the bag in some time…unable to cope with the memories it brought back…the memories of being ripped away from the man he loved. He placed it here…somewhere Robert would never look…somewhere he couldn’t look, the pain too much for both to bear. But now something was different, the black leather bag was their FUTURE not their past. As he removed the bag from the closet, sitting on the edge of the bed…he thought about all this represented and again the soft smile crossed his lips. 

Never had Aaron intended to keep it…to hold it close. Maybe his heart…maybe his head…maybe both had stopped him. As his fingers felt its smooth surface, the feeling of that moment came rushing…but not the feeling he expected. Often he wondered how different that moment would have been had he listened…really listened to Robert. Though he never spoke of it, Aaron wracked himself with guilt for his part…his role in the moment that should have been his happiest and instead almost cost him everything. The memories still raw, even after time passed of that day…that moment. He remembered what if felt when the cool metal hit his skin…everything seemed to fade…nothing mattered. Not the room, not the machines monitoring his every move, his every breath. It was a feeling he longed for…again…this time forever…for eternity. 

As the cool metal once again brushed against his skin, he longed for Robert to be the one. Removing it from the black box it called home, Aaron slipped it into his palm and headed back to Robert. For months he had stared at the mark it left…the outline of what was…and what he hoped to be again. Battling his heart…his head, Aaron could not let it go. What “It” was he could never articulate…it was a feeling…a feeling he had with no one else. “If this is love…what it feels like to be loved…I would wait for him…forever”. He had wanted to ask the question, for some time now…but it never felt right…the moment never fit. The question almost slipped on Valentine’s Day but he caught himself…scared…unsure…maybe both. “The moment has to be right…it has to be. Robert waited…longer than I would have. It needs to be perfect”. Settling back into his embrace with Robert, everything seemed to fade…it was just them…as it was always meant. Gazing at his palm, Aaron knew…this was it…this was perfect…

Thinking about the moment…this moment, Aaron did not feel Robert shift beneath him. “What have you got there?” the words catching him off-guard. “Nothing…it’s nothing. Go back to sleep”, the words stumbling from Aaron’s lips as he quickly wrapped his palm around the item. He wanted nothing more in that moment then to place it on Robert…for him to feel its cool metal once again. But was it right? Was this the moment…the place? Turning to place it behind the pillow on which he had been leaning, Aaron felt a tug at his waist. “Aaron…tell me. What is it? What’s wrong?” “Nothing…nothing is wrong. For the first time in my life everything is right You…me…our house…our family”. It had all seemed unlikely…impossible those years ago when their paths crossed. Yet, here they were…here he was, in love…with someone who made him a better person. Only one thing was missing. The one thing he had always wanted for himself but never dared to speak. “Robert…I…I haven’t been completely honest with you…I need you to know”. “When you left…when I left, I wanted to rid this house of every memory…everything that reminded me of you…of us.” As the words fell from Aaron’s quivering chin, a tear passed over his cheek. “I tried…I tried and I couldn’t. Much as I wanted to rid myself of you, I just couldn’t. It wasn’t until I saw this that I knew I wasn’t through with you…with us.”   
Reaching, he removed it from behind the pillow where he had placed it earlier. “I…I just couldn’t do it. It’s as much a part of me now…as it was of you then. I wore it every day…hoping I could place back where it belonged.” Aaron wore the leather band and metal face every day since they parted…it was a part of him…as Robert had always been.


	6. A Memory...and a Loss

“You…You kept it. After all I did? After everything we’ve been through”, Robert’s face belying the words falling from his lips. “I…I tried. Much as I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t…I can’t”, Aaron’s eyes welled with tears. “It may not make sense, but it’s a part of me…of us.” What he couldn’t tell Robert…what he feared telling him was how the band found a place…found a home. Every day since they parted he wore it…hiding under his sleeves…under his coat, but always close. He needed to feel it…needed to remember. “Why…why didn’t you tell me?”, Robert’s tone softened as he spoke. It was THE tone…the one he only used with Aaron. “I couldn’t…I was afraid you would hate me for keeping it. Not telling you I had kept it.” As the words fell from Aaron’s lips, Robert saw in his eyes…those eyes, the vulnerable, scared Aaron he fell in love with all those years ago. “Aaron…I could never…I would never hate you. I…I had hoped if anyone had it, you would”, and with those words, the small, soft smile returned to Aaron…

Unbeknownst to Aaron in that moment, Robert had been hiding as well. Every day since their parting, he had held them…kept them safe…hoping one day they would return to their rightful place. As Aaron had been unable to do, he could not either. He would often hold them…feel their cool touch against his skin and remember that day…that moment when the world faded away. Now, sitting here with the one person that made him complete….made him whole, it was time for them to return. 

“I…I couldn’t let them…let you go either”, Robert’s voice trembling as he revealed what had been hidden for so long. “Every time I would look at them…put them on…I remembered what it felt to be happy”, the soft tone in his voice belied the months of heartache and pain that followed their separation. Every day since they parted, Robert would put them on…Aaron’s ring on top of his, feeling whatever he could. The night he came home…he had taken the rings out of their hiding place and put them on, while Aaron slept next to him. He would stare at the ceiling, fiddling with each of them separately…together. “They are a part of me…of us. I…I couldn’t let them go…I couldn’t let you go”, the words struggling to overcome Robert’s quivering tone. “I…I need to…I…I wanted to…” before the thought could finish, Aaron took Robert’s hand, looking into his eyes…THOSE EYES and finished what he sensed Robert had begun…

“Robert…I…I’ve been wanting to as well”, the words falling softly from Aaron’s lips. Every night since Robert came home, the thought crossed his mind. “Would he? Could I? Should I?”, the thoughts reverberating through him. “I lay next to you, every day…every night and I don’t want to be anywhere else…with anyone else”. Though their house now felt like THEIR home, something felt missing…something Aaron could not place. Then like a bolt it hit him…it wasn’t enough that this was THEIR home…he needed Robert to be HIS home. The one he came home to…the one who would know instinctively what he needed, even when he did not know he needed it. “I…I’ve been afraid to ask but I’m not anymore. I know what I want…what I’ve always wanted. It’s you Robert…no one else.” As the words came pouring out of him in a torrent, Aaron took Robert’s hand…this was how it should have been…just the two of them. “I…I guess what I am asking Robert is…will you…”, before he could finish Robert pulled his hand. Fearing he had made a mistake…that he had felt something which Robert did not, a panic set in. “Robert…I…I’m sorry. I thought…”. “No…Aaron…you aren’t wrong…it’s just…I was going to ask…”. As they both realized what was taking place a smile crossed their faces…cheek to cheek. “Well…which one of us is going to finish”, Robert said with a slight smirk. “You were always more into this romantic stuff…so ask,” Aaron’s voice laced with the tone Robert had come to love. “Aaron Dingle…will you marry me?” Barely letting Robert partake in the “romantic stuff”, Aaron grabbed him and with a smile Robert had not seen in too long, “Yes! Robert…Yes I will marry you!”. As he slid the ring back where it belonged, finally it felt like home…

As night enveloped their home, Robert tried to place everything that happened in some sort of context…some order. He always prided himself on having a plan…a purpose to everything and in one fell swoop Aaron ripped it all apart. Had it been anyone else, Robert would have reacted…but he couldn’t…he wouldn’t. “Yes!...Robert…Yes I will marry you!”, as the moment played again and again a smile crossed his lips. “What are you smiling about?”, Aaron said as he exited the bathroom and made his way over to Robert. “I…I was just thinking. I’ve always had a plan…a purpose to everything I have ever done. And you…you caught me and changed everything”. As the words fell from his lips Aaron could not…would not take his eyes off of Robert. “For the first time in my life I am happy…Aaron. It’s you…it’s always been you”. As they laid there…together, Robert’s head on Aaron’s chest, rising and falling with each breath, he fell asleep. For the first time in a long time…maybe in forever, content with himself…content with the person he had become. Watching Robert’s chest rise and fall with his own, Aaron finally freed himself from his past…his pain. “Whatever comes…Robert I promise I will be by your side…no more running”, the thought echoing through him as settled in for whatever the future was to bring.

As the sun peered through the upstairs blinds Aaron awoke to find Robert missing. “Where…what…did I dream it?’, the thought racing through his mind like a whirlwind. Panicking…fearful that something had happened, that he had dreamed the previous night he was just about to leap from the bed when Robert appeared at the top of the staircase. “What’s wrong? What happened?”, his voice instantly bringing Aaron a sense of calm. “I woke up and you were gone. I…I thought something happened. Maybe it was all a dream,” his voice a mix of happiness and panic. “Aaron…last night was real. As real as anything I have ever felt…I have ever wanted. I’m not going anywhere.” Aaron felt himself foolish for having the thought to begin with, but looking down at the silver metal on his hand he knew it was no dream.  
Tucking himself back in beside Aaron, settling into the nook, as he came to think of the spot between Aaron’s arms and chest, Robert again listened to it’s rhythm…beating in time with his own. He couldn’t tell how long they laid there…but when he awoke the bed was empty. “Aaron…Aaron…”, his voice soft yet firm. Robert listened, straining to hear him…anywhere and yet nothing, only silence. But then he heard him…it was Aaron…quiet but definitely Aaron. “No…no…”, the thought echoing through him. He recognized the sound…knew what it meant and was determined to reach him, however and whatever it took. As he descended the stairs from their bedroom he saw Aaron…looking at a picture of himself as a child. “Aaron…what is it?”, Robert’s tone was soft…protective. “It’s nothing Robert…I’m fine”, if it were anyone else he knew they would believe him and move on…but this was Robert. “Talk to me…don’t do this. Don’t push me away…I’m here remember...you and I together.” Wiping away his tears with his sleeve…something Robert would have hated had it been anyone else but it was something he found endearing about Aaron. As if the sleeves offered him a protection he hadn’t found with anyone…until Robert. “There’s something you need to know…about us…about us being a family…”

As the words fell from his lips, Aaron averted Robert’s eyes... he couldn’t bear to disappoint him. “Don’t push me away…whatever it is you can tell me”, the words barely registered to Aaron as his heart was beating loudly…wildly. “I…I never thought I would have this….with anyone…with you…”, a lone tear streaking down his cheek as the words escaped with his last breath. “Aaron…it’s you and I together…whatever happens…it’s about our family.” “No…Robert its not. Least not the way you want,” the pain with which Aaron spoke was something Robert had hoped to NEVER hear again. Wiping the tear from his cheek, Robert took Aaron’s hand in an embrace that let him know this was their fight…whatever this was…it was THEIRS. “What…what if I can’t give you that family? What if this is all we ever get?”, Aaron’s voice breaking as the words fell away. “What do you mean if you can’t? Aaron tell me…PLEASE”. It happened so long ago…when none of this seemed possible and yet now, in this moment Aaron feared this would break them…forever.

“No! Don’t do this…don’t shut me out”, Robert’s tone echoing through their home. Maybe it was shame…Aaron didn’t know but he couldn’t bear to look into those eyes…and tell him this may be all…all it ever would be. He willed himself to walk…walk away from this moment…from Robert…from their home…but something stopped him. Looking up he understood instantly…Robert wasn’t letting this go…letting him go. “Aaron…I have my family. I have you…” As the words fell from his lips Aaron could no longer keep his emotions together. One…two…three…more than he could count. They fell…first one cheek…then the other. As quickly as they fell, Robert wiped them away…his touch soft and comforting. “Whatever it is…we will face it together yeah? Just like we promised.” Taking Aaron’s hand in his…making their way over to the couch…Robert insisted, “Family isn’t always blood Aaron. It’s what you make of those you love. I LOVE YOU…I’m not letting this go until you tell me.” The memories of that moment…so long ago…frozen in time began to thaw. “I…I’m fearful you want me…want us if I can’t give you the family you want”, his chin trembling as the words poured out. “Robert…I can’t give you what you want…a family…a child…I can’t. I want to…much as I have ever wanted anything but physically I can’t.” Unable or unwilling to look up at him, Aaron turned away. Angry at himself for not being able to give Robert what he wanted…angry for not telling him sooner…angry for what he feared was to come, he refused to turn back. Only when he felt it…that touch which he had come to know so well, did he slowly allow himself to face Robert. “No…no, I could never hate you…not for that…not for anything. I can’t say I understand everything at the moment but I will. You are going to tell me…and together we are going to get through this and get the family…our family”…

It seemed a lifetime ago…yet everything was as clear as the night it happened. Aaron remembered the look of the alley…the sound of the steps…the pain…the darkness. He had just come to terms with himself when he decided to go out…to experience life as open person…unafraid of who he was…who he loved. The place was loud…smoky…crowded…making him feel more in than out. Deciding it was enough, Aaron left cutting through the dark streets as he made his way home. It was late, but he knew this route in his sleep…where to turn…how far he was and how long it would take him to get to his destination. But this night…would change everything and it all began with a shortcut…one he had never taken before. Making his way through this dark alley…he felt a sudden unease come over him but he shrugged it off, “it’s just unfamiliar…that’s all.” Then it what seemed like a flash, he felt the first tinge of pain…his head…then his abdomen…it was unlike anything he had felt before. As he collapsed onto the ground, he tried his best to cover his head…to protect himself in any way he could. The words stuck with him “Faggot…Fairy…Pervert” never able to completely shut them out. Though he did not know it at the time, this attack would change the course of his life…the family he would have…

Silence…it was over. Aaron opened his eyes…hoping it was all a nightmare. Staggering to his feet…the pain in his head throbbing….pulsating, he managed to find his way home…every step painful…almost unbearable. Quietly he slipped into his room, falling onto his bed…his abdomen screaming in pain. Every instinct was telling him to go the police…but he wouldn’t…he couldn’t. What would he say? How would they react? Stumbling into the bathroom…the reflection in the mirror stopped him cold. He didn’t recognize the person staring back at him…the cut on his forehead leading to his eyebrow…the blood, though dried leaving an unmistakable mark. The eye, which would soon be black and bruised. As he lifted his shirt he knew now it was no nightmare. His abdomen was bruised…black and blue…every breath tinged with pain. Fearing anyone seeing him like this…asking questions he made a fateful decision…

Pulling into the lot of the hospital, Aaron sat…staring into the mirror. He had done his best to wash away the blood…to hide the marks, but he knew the questions would come. As he made his way towards the emergency department, he prepared himself…what they would ask…how he would respond. Staggering into the department, he made his way to the desk. All he had prepared to say was for not. All it took was one look and he was whisked away. Though they were able to bandage his forehead…clean the blood…it was his abdomen and the look on the doctor’s face that told him something had changed…forever. Though he knew the doctor was speaking…all he heard was silence. It would not be until the next morning, back home that the words would change everything…


	7. A Loss...and a Renewal

“Aaron…Aaron…what’s happened?”, Robert’s tone snapping him back to the present…back to him. “I…I need to tell you why I can’t give you the family you want. You’ll hate me…”, his chin trembling, quivering as the words fell. “No…I could never...I love you.” Robert gently lifted Aaron’s head, wanting him to see him…wanting him to see he was there…and would be there, now…forever. “I…I can’t have children Robert...I…I’ve known for a while now.” The words struck Robert harder than he imagined. He had always wanted a family…a family with Aaron, but now could he…would he? The silence was deafening…it was everything Aaron had feared…everything he had tried to avoid for so long. Unable to be near Robert, fearful that he had destroyed everything they had fought for, Aaron lifted himself from the couch. “No! I don’t accept that.” The words hit him like a tsunami crashing into a brick building. “I…I can’t do this to you, Robert. I can’t be the reason you can’t have a family.” “No…I don’t accept that. I don’t accept that you are going to give up that easily…that you would think I would.” “You’re going to sit here with me…look me in the eyes…and tell me everything. Tell me why you can’t. Tell me why you thought I would leave you…why you thought this would break me…us.” Before Aaron could respond, Robert asked “Does this have anything to do with the mark on your abdomen?”…

Aaron could only nod…averting his eyes once again. “I…I never wanted to have this conversation…with anyone…not with you,” the emotion of the memories once again began to overtake him. Robert gingerly lifted Aaron’s gaze to his own, his hand tender and gentle beneath his trembling chin. “We will start slow…yeah? You’ll tell me as much as you want…and we will take this one step at a time.” As the words left his lips, Aaron felt a sense of warmth, of being safe…feelings he had not felt since he told Robert about his abuse as a child. “I…I had just to terms with being myself. Understanding what it meant to be me…and…and I went out. On me own.” Though he was struggling to recall the events of that fateful night, Robert’s touch…his presence gave him the strength to continue. “Turns out I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was…I left.” It was what happened next, and its aftermath that filled Aaron with dread and fear. “I…I decided to cut through an ally to get home and…and I…”, it was if the attack was happening again. As if on instinct, Robert wrapped him in a tight embrace…as if he was trying to flush the memory from his mind. “It’s okay…you’re safe…I’ve got you. Maybe that’s enough for now, yeah? “ Aaron nodded…

The steps grew louder as they approached. It seemed no matter how fast he walked…he ran they were faster. The strike…the pain had thrown him to the ground. The feeling of blood, cold against his skin as it snaked its way from his forehead down his neck. He hid his head as best he could…trying anything…everything to escape…to be somewhere else. “Help me! Help me!”, the cries echoed silently in the darkness. He just wanted it to end…”just let me go….I’m ready.” Silence…then something hit his abdomen with such force it launched him onto his back…still struggling to protect his head…his eyes…he needed to see them. To stare into their eyes as they tried to take his life from him…a life he wasn’t ready to give. Then a faint whisper…which grew louder, “Aaron! Aaron!”…then silence. He felt warmth….a protective embrace…familiar. “It’s okay…it’s okay. It was just a nightmare. You’re safe…I promise,” Roberts words falling on to Aaron in a torrid of worry. “Wh…what happened?”. “You were having a nightmare…about the attack I reckon. But I’ve got you now. And I promise…NEVER AGAIN.” “I…I’m sorry Robert…for all of this.” “No…you have nothing to be sorry for. C’mon.” Aaron laid his head on Robert’s bare chest…directly over his heart….and closed his weary eyes. 

Robert couldn’t sleep…wouldn’t sleep. The fear in Aaron’s eyes was as palpable now as it had been then. He was angry for not knowing…angry for Aaron feeling that this would break them…but none of that mattered now. Now it was about him and only him…whatever he needed to do to help him through this he would do. It wasn’t about a child…it wasn’t about their family…it was about his love who had been through so much…fighting to regain the life he deserved. Robert was determined to be by his side…

As morning broke, Robert felt an emptiness...something was missing. In an instant he knew…Aaron was gone. “Aaron…Aaron”…his words met with deafening silence. “No…no…no..” As he stumbled from the bed, throwing on whatever he could find, Robert’s mind raced. Where did he go? Why did he not wake me? What has he done? Running down the stairs, two at a time he was just about to cross the front door’s threshold when something caught his eye…something outside. Moving closer to the window, overlooking the back of their home, his eyes were met with a sight he would never forget. “What…what is he…”, the thought wasn’t given time to finish. The last time Robert had been greeted with this sight he almost lost Aaron…and he vowed to himself in that moment, NEVER AGAIN! “Aaron…please. Look at me”, the pleading in his voice nearly breaking into tears. As Aaron turned towards him, the sight greeting Robert was what he feared…there it was, burning brightly in the morning mist…unmistakable. The tears in Aaron’s eyes told him everything he already knew. He was in pain…and Robert needed to do something…anything to stop it. “I…I want this to end. I want to live my life with you…without fear”, Aaron’s chin trembling as the words fell. “Aaron…we’ll get through this together. You’re hurting, I know but this isn’t the way to stop it. I promise you, I will do whatever I need to. This will end…with me by your side.” Moving closer to him, Robert snuffed out the burning light…throwing it to the ground and wrapping Aaron in his arms…tighter than he thought possible. Standing in the mist, he finally let go….the tears a cool marker on Robert’s bare chest that it was time to help him heal….

Having come inside from the cool, morning mist Aaron headed upstairs to the bath. If the morning had proven anything to Robert it was this… he wanted nothing more than to see the smile return to Aaron’s face…the smile he fell in love with all those years ago. Walking over to the mantle, he removed a small box from behind an empty picture frame…which one day, he hoped would be of their family. Unbeknownst to Aaron, this box contained the very things Robert hoped would return his smile. Never one to let sentiment get in the way, he hid this box shortly after he came home. He initially had wanted to present it to Aaron on their wedding day…but now…it seemed needed more. As he removed the box from behind the silver frame, he heard the creak of the stairs. Knowing Aaron would be down any minute he quickly replaced it and headed towards the couch. “I thought maybe we could have a day…just for us, yeah?” After that morning, the last thing Aaron wanted to do was be in a crowded space. “Yeah…sounds great.” A small smile graced his lips…

“Give me a bit and we’ll go.”. Moving up the stairs, Aaron couldn’t take his eyes off Robert. It wasn’t the physical he was looking at, he always found him strong, attractive…sexy, it was a look of wonderment. Somehow he always knew just what Aaron needed, even if he didn’t know himself. It was one of the things he fell in love with…one of the things he still loved. As he heard the shower turn on, Aaron looked around their home. For the first time…in a long time, it felt like home again. He was just about to head to the kitchen when a faint shimmer caught his eye…it was coming from the mantle…from behind an empty silver frame. Moving closer, Aaron saw what looked like a small box. “That’s never been there before,” the thought crossing his mind. With the curiosity getting the better of him, Aaron moved the frame out of the way and cupped the small box in his hand…it was heavier than he thought it would be. Making his way over to the couch, he was about to open it when he heard Robert’s footsteps inching closer to the stairs. “I was thinking we could…”, Robert stopped, staring at the box in Aaron’s hands. “Where did you find that?”. The tone in his voice told Aaron he already knew the answer. “You…you weren’t supposed to find that…not yet…

As the words fell from Robert’s lips, he found himself regretting being so careless. “I should have moved it…somewhere…anywhere he would not have found it”, the thought echoing through him. The memories contained within were of a moment in time…a moment where everything could have been lost. For years now, he had stared at it…remembering its contents…wondering why he kept it around. In his weaker moments he had wanted to share it with Aaron…but something always stopped him. Maybe it was fear…maybe it was the thought that he wouldn’t understand. “I thought we agreed…no more secrets.” “Aaron…I never meant to keep this from you. I…I kept it for me…to remind me.” If he was hoping his words would dissuade Aaron from asking more, he was dead wrong. “Remind you? What would you need to remind yourself of?” his tone quizzical now. “Robert…tell me. Robert!” Finally, as if a damn had burst Robert was no longer willing to keep it’s secrets. “To remind me of you!...Aaron…of you.” Aaron was dumbstruck. Why would he keep a box to remind him of me? His mind was racing. As he looked down at the box in his hands, Robert inched closer….almost as one now. “If you want to know why…go ahead and open it. I think you’ll understand once you do”…

As the contents of the box caught a glimpse of light…their first in years, the color drained from Aaron’s face. A piece of gray fabric…frayed and red, black fabric…soft & familiar, a white band…it’s writing faded beyond recognition and something else. Something that stood out from the rest…a piece of paper, it’s handwriting faded. “What…what is all this?” Aaron’s trembling voice echoing through the calm, cool air. “I…I think you know. I think you’ve known for some time.” The realization hit him like a tidal wave, nearly knocking him to the ground. “I told you I kept if for me…to remind me of you. To remind me of what I almost lost…what I wasn’t ready to lose, thought I didn’t know it yet.” Aaron wanted to know more…wanted to know why he never told him, why keep it a secret when they had promised there would be no more. “Why…why didn’t you tell me…all these years…all this time?” Unable or unwilling to look at him, Robert could only stare at the wooden floor beneath them. “I never wanted you to remember…to relive any of it. You’re so much stronger now…stronger than I could ever be. I wanted to remember that. Remember the person I fell in love with.”


End file.
